Nobody told me…

When I had my babies I was overcome with all the advice I was given – but here’s what nobody told me.

Nobody told me about the anxiety
the anxiety of leaving my kids – with anyone – even my husband
the anxiety of having other people hold my babies – I wasn’t ready – sometimes I’m still not
the anxiety of not being enough for them
the anxiety of failing
the anxiety of setting boundaries that made me feel safe and understood
the anxiety of not being understood by my loved ones
the anxiety of letting others love my babies
the anxiety of my babies not knowing how much they mean to me
the anxiety of making the wrong decision
the anxiety of keeping everyone involved

Nobody told me about the judgement I would feel
the judgement of whether I was a good mother
the judgement of how my decisions would affect their relationships with others
the judgement of keeping them close to me – too close some will say
the judgement of choosing to parent the way I do
the judgement when my decisions are different
the judgement I would feel about the comments on my body
the judgement I would pass on myself because of my insecurities
the judgement on how I am now different
the judgement that motherhood is now central to my identity

Nobody told me about the fear
the fear of being misunderstood
the fear of not being loved
the fear of not being enough
the fear of letting my anxiety feed my decisions
the fear of not being present and enjoying every moment
the fear that I can’t love them the same

Nobody told me I would feel like I was just a vessel that brought my babies earth side for everyone else to love
Nobody told me how alone I would feel through it all

Nobody told me about the crippling fear I would constantly feel and the strength it would take show up for my boys every day. Nobody told me where and how to find my strength, just that I had to. And so I hope by sharing my fears and anxieties I can help you feel less alone in yours. So I am telling you. I am telling you it’s ok. It’s ok to not be understood. It’s ok to set boundaries no one will like because they are important to you. You may not be liked for your decisions but whichever way you choose to parent, you are enough.